Now what?

It's been 10 days since I gave birth to another woman's baby...

...and quite frankly, I feel a little lost. I miss my belly, I miss feeling her kick, move and hiccup.. I think I even miss the heartburn a tad bit.  I miss people asking me if I am pregnant and being able to tell them the wonderful story (which I also always threw in a few facts about pancreatic cancer - great awareness!).  I miss having that special connection with Kate.  I am no longer her surrogate, no longer carrying her most precious cargo.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE the new relationship we have, the "new role" as a surrogate friend told me this part is.  It is beyond wonderful to get a new text message update or a new photo from Kate, especially since I know there's no requirements for her to do so.. some surrogate/IP contracts require certain contact afterwards, such as email updates, cards, photos at certain ages.. the 4 of us, in the way beginning, choose to not put this in our contract when it was drawn up, not because we didn't want contact after the baby was born - but because we wanted it to be natural.  We wanted to see how our relationship would grow throughout the months on it's own and not be forced to make one.  And that means so much to me now, every time I get a new update, it is FANTASTIC to know that she does it because she genuinely WANTS to - I love our friendship, the feeling of being friends, almost like an extended family.  I can only hope it continues to grow for years to come.

So now that I sit here and think about it, it's not so much I miss the stage of being pregnant, I am too excited about what the future holds.. so what do I miss? I really think I am starting to miss THIS.. the blog.. the blog that I was so unsure to start in the beginning because I thought I would have nothing to write about.  I thought no one would care to follow my journey.  I thought I would be boring.  Oh boy was I wrong, I probably was boring at times, but boy did I have followers and even more supporters!  I am so happy I took the time to start this blog and although I slacked at times and didn't update as much as I should have and could have, it is great to be able to go back and re-read what I once wrote and relive all the emotions and feelings I had at that time.  I am not sure what I would have done without this blog, this outlet and especiallyYOU!  All the comments and the private emails.  People sharing their stories with me.  I truly thank all of you for being my rocks!

But now what? I have nothing to continue to write about.  My journey has ended.. and now I am just plain ol' Courtneylee, again... I am trying to decide whether to just end it here and say good-bye, or keep it going and update every once in a while.. I really don't know what is best.. I think this is why I feel the most lost.. a 'now what?' type of feeling.

People have asked "Will I do surrogacy again?" and the answer is a very firm NO.  The only way I would change my mind  is if it was for my sister - but besides that, I am "retired".  In the beginning, I truly wanted to do another journey or even two.  I wanted to help create more families.. but this journey has changed everything.  It has been extremely special to me and so close to my heart.  I would never want to try to 'reenact' it with another set of intended parents.  I could not even dream about two people that are more deserving than Kate and Nain or anyone who will ever be more special than Amara.  She is my little miracle surrobaby angel - and I want her to be the one and only.



If you find yourself wondering what to read while I try to figure out the meaning of my life after surrogacy, PLEASE check out A Belly For Me, A Baby For You.  It is a blog written by 2 sisters-in-law.  Natalie, the indtended mother, and Tiffany, the surrogate.  Natalie just had her egg retrieval TODAY and they got 16 eggs!  If all goes well, Tiffany will have 2 embryos (yes, her brother's embryos) transferred into her Friday or Sunday!  So catch up on their blog now, I think it's going to be a GREAT year!  Oh, did I mention, they're also filming a documentary?!  I love their story, and I know you will too.