"How will you give the baby away...."

Ahh it's the question I was asked the most (besides "You're getting paid for that, right?!").. Everyone always wanted to know how I would give the baby away after carrying her for nine months.. wouldn't I feel like she was mine.. wouldn't I want to keep her.. I used to tell people I really didn't know how I would feel, but I did know that 'it's not my baby', 'I am giving the baby back, not giving the baby away' and I'll just figured out all the rest as it happens...

Now I lived through it, now I know.. I know what I didn't know before.. and I was correct for the most part, when I seen her, I knew she was not mine, when I held her, I didn't feel like her mother, when I left her alone with her mother, I didn't feel like I was abandoning or leaving my child... but there were also many emotions that I didn't think I would feel, that I felt and that I am still feeling on day 5...

So let's start from the beginning.. while I was in labor, and definitely while I was pushing, all I wanted was to hurry up and push her out, I wanted her to be in her mother's arms.  I wanted this moment for the past 16 months, it all came down to THIS MOMENT...

Then all of a sudden, she was here.. she was on my stomach, she was crying, Kate was standing there and was crying, Kate was cutting the cord, the whole time I didn't know what to do.. I was in pain, I was relieved, I could breathe again, I was crying, I had a crying baby on me, a baby I carried for 9 months, a baby that kept me up so much at night kicking me, a baby that had hiccups three or more times a day.. now she was on me, I wanted to touch her, I wanted to see her face.. and then she was gone.......

The nurses had Kate and the baby sit down on a chair for skin-to-skin contact so they could bond. The chair was to my right, but further back behind my bed, so if I turned my head a lot, I could see them, but it wasn't that comfortable - especially with the doctor trying to deliver the placenta, which, by the way, I firmly believe is worse than delivering a baby! OUCH!!  I am cringing right now thinking about it.. thinking about him pressing on my tummy, and then physically digging around the inside of my uterus with his hands.. talk about painful!  

I just wanted to see her and I couldn't.  I don't even know why I wanted to see her so bad.. I knew she was healthy.. and I knew I didn't have to see her to know that she was beautiful... I knew Kate finally had her daughter.. I never thought seeing her face would mean so much to me, but in that moment, it did, and meant everything but I couldn't see her face... 

I remember crying.. but I didn't know why I was crying.. was it the pain from the placenta, was it tears of joy, tears of sadness?  I remember thinking of Nain.  Thinking of the 'what ifs'.  Thinking how different it would have been.  I remember seeing Kenny crying, although he was doing a good job not to let anyone notice - Kate and Amara were still both crying and Kate's mother was crying.  Kate's father came in the room to meet his first grandchild, I didn't see him with tears, but I heard he had some, too.  We were all crying, so I was normal, right?

After the doctor was done with me and the placenta was out, I felt a bit more comfortable and right on time, here came breakfast!!  I was starving and I ate everything on my plate! Yummy!  The nurses had Amara on the other side of the room as they checked her vitals and her apgar.  I had Kate open the gifts I got her to try to take my mind off all that was going on.. an outfit for Amara that Alianna picked out and was so proud of, a SleepSheep with soothing sounds including a heartbeat, a Alex and Ani "Miracles Do Happen" Bracelet and my favorite, a custom print from DeRoy Designs (see below).  It's really hard to purchase something for someone in this situation, I just delivered her daughter, and our relationship and bond is the ultimate of gifts, but I knew I wanted to give her something, something that signified how much the three of them meant to me, to my whole family and I truly think this print did exactly that....

Shortly after that, Kate, Amara and Kate's parents left my room to let me get some rest.  Kenny left to go check on the kids who were still with my sister.  It was just me in the room, but it was okay since I was so tired from being up in labor all night, I quickly fell asleep.  An hour or two later, I woke up..  I must have been knocked out because my room was so tidy now, I never even noticed anyone came in.  I looked at my phone, I had 60 messages on my phone, mostly from Kenny updating my Facebook status to "Amara is here!" three minutes after she was born but one message stood out the most.. it was a message from Kate, a picture of Amara's beautiful face!! I finally knew what she looked like, she was absolutely gorgeous - Life is good!!

After showering and getting dressed, my sister, Brittany, came to visit me.. actually, I think she came to visit Amara, but hey, atleast she acted like she was there for me :)  Together we both went to Kate's room to visit. I was able to hold Amara finally and take in all  her beauty and cuteness.  Brittany held her too, and boy is Brittany a baby hog, she really needs to have her own baby, but that's a whole other blog!!  My mother and two aunts also came to visit.  This was the first time anyone besides me, Kenny and my kids met Kate so there was lots of talking going back and forth between all of us.  I know my mother was happy to finally meet her and Brittany and Kate were instant friends.  Kate is the best and anyone that meets her would love her!  My family and I went back to my room since my nurse kept coming in and mentioning how I really had to eat - like really?!  I am an adult, I am not going to starve myself and I did have a big breakfast right after delivering the baby.. but I knew I had to give Kate some more alone time with her baby, especially since my mother and aunts can be so talkative and loud, and like me, she didn't sleep at all the night prior - off to my room we went!

Day 1 continued pretty much like this.. I had some visitors come and go and lots of nurses in and out of the room.. one of Kate's aunts came to give me a hug, which was so sweet and then Kenny came to visit with our 8 yr old, Alianna, and we went back to visit Amara in Kate's room - we all took turns holding her and snapping pictures - she is such a cutie!  It was starting to get late in the day, I still hadn't slept much and Kenny wanted me to get some rest so we went back to my room and he and Alianna left.. I wasn't tired at all though, which was good since the Patriots game would be one soon! 

Kate's parents came to my room and asked me to go down to Kate's room to open gifts - the gifts for me were amazing!  A January Pandora Birthstone charm, a Kodak Pulse Digital Frame (which hooks up via WiFi and can scroll photos from Facebook, photos that are emailed to the frame's unique email address or photos you simply upload to it - It's perfect because it allows Kate to quickly and easily email me photos of Amara right to the frame - it is amazing!!), spa gift certificates, a purple scarf, a nice gift basket and a very beautiful amethyst (purple, for Nain!!) and diamond necklace and earrings set!  I was basically spoiled!  I wear, use and view these items like they're the most precious items in the world, because, quite frankly, they are!  They all remind me of the most precious little girl in this world, Little Miss Amara Lee!

That night, I was alone in my room, the Patriots just totally killed the Broncos butts (Woot Woot!) and now not much was on television.  I talked to Kenny a few times but he was tired and I was wide awake, lonely, and feeling sad.  I wasn't use to being in a room by myself, nevermind a hospital room. For the past 9 months I always atleast had Amara inside me.. I could feel her moving around, if I touched her, she'd kick me back..but now it was just me.  I felt so alone. I could hear my heart beating, I could hear the seconds on the clock.. I couldn't sleep.. I didn't know what to do with myself.  I started to tear up because I felt so alone.  I texted with a few of my friends, one who's been a surrogate several times and she understood exactly how I felt which helped, but it didn't make me better.

My nurse came in and told me that Amara just went to the nursery so that Kate could get some sleep.  I texted Kate to tell her to have a good night and she said I should go visit Amara since I was wide awake and Amara was too!  I hesitated a bit because I was unsure how the nursery would be, I knew they knew our situation and I did have a bracelet on that matched Amara's but would they feel like I was crossing lines?  Would they need approval from Kate first? I don't want them to bother her while she is trying to get some rest.  The next time my nurse came in my room, I asked her about it and she told me I was more than welcomed to visit Amara and that she would let the nurses in the nursery know I was on my way, so off I went!!!

I spent a little more than 2 hours in the nursery.. although there were several other babies in that room, and 2 to 3 nurses at times, I honestly felt like it was only me and Amara.  I held her, rocked her, I fed and burped her, I changed her diaper, she peed all over me and the bassinet so I had to change her again - I told her stories about how much we ALL loved her, about how proud her daddy was of her, and how she and her mommy are going to live happily ever after.  She was so peaceful, and I think she heard every word I said.

Once I got back to my room at 2am, I felt as peaceful as Amara looked.  I put my head down on the pillow, I smiled and fell asleep, I fell asleep thinking, "Wow, I was a surrogate"!

I woke up at 7am on Sunday January 15th feeling almost brand new!  Today was the day I would be going home, and boy was I ready.. I missed my family and my bed! But I knew I would also miss being only down the hall from Kate and Amara.  I showered, put on a pair of jeans, and of course a Patriots shirt!  I went and had breakfast, which was funny because even the lady giving out the food knew my name, my room number and my story!  I have had several nurses come up and hug me, others that wanted to know more details about the journey, but I didn't think the food service workers knew about us, but they did!  After I finished eating, I went to peek in the nursery window, and seen that Amara was still in there!!  I went inside to visit - it was now a different shift of nurses, but they seemed fine with me being in there too, they even told me she was hungry and that I should take her to my room to feed her.. so I did!!

Kate came to my room about an hour later, I had already fed her, changed her and had a mini photoshoot.  We sat there and talked about how amazing Amara was.  How happy we all were with the way things went through the journey and especially the delivery.  I told her how I felt the night before, how I felt a bit sad, but that spending time with Amara in the nursery made me feel so much better.  I guess I just needed that alone time, just to talk to her and although I realize she is only a newborn and doesn't understand, I just had to tell her how special she was to me.

Kenny and Alianna came back and were so excited to bring me home but we had to wait for the doctor to discharge me so in the meantime we got to spend a lot more time with Kate and Amara - basically all day - it was such an amazing time!  After the doctor came in to go over my discharge instructions and check my belly for the last time, I was able to leave.  Kenny, Kate and I stood around Amara in the bassinet, it was a little awkward, I never thought about what I would say at this moment, when I am about to leave them.. I know, or atleast I hope, I will see them again soon, so it wasn't a goodbye but a "see ya" wouldn't have been appropriate either..  I just stood there and Kate said something along the lines of "well, thank you for having my baby!" and I replied with "oh, you're welcome, thank you for picking me to have your baby" and we both kind of chuckled and said how corny everything sounds.. "thank yous" and "you're welcomes" would never be enough - so we ended it with big hugs and we all went out the door.. Kate and Amara went to the left, to their room and Kenny and I went to the right, to the elevators.  Two nights prior I walked in that hospital a proud, pregnant, surrogate.  Today I was walking out, no longer pregnant, no longer a surrogate, but much more proud, much more blessed, much more thankful for life than I was when I walked in...