PurpleStrides

In less than TWO weeks, I will walk in my second PurpleStrides event to support the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (pancan.org).

Last September, I walked with Amara inside my womb, her mother walked right next to me, we walked in support of her father who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just 72 days prior.  We were surrounded by others that felt how we felt, that knew what we were going through - a disease with a 6% survival rate does not often bring hope, but that day, we felt hope and love all around us.

On May 6th, we will put our walking shoes on again to continue our mission to raise awareness about pancreatic cancer.  This time (almost) 4-month old Amara will be joining us in her stroller while we walk in memory of her father, Nain, who passed away on November 30, 2011, just five months after being diagnosed.

He was diagnosed on June 30th at the age of 41 (31 years before the average age) with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, it was his 6th wedding anniversary and just 7 weeks after he found out he'd be a daddy for the first time.. He fought hard and did everything possible but sadly he lost his fight just six weeks before Amara was born.

Hearing you have or someone you love has pancreatic cancer is devastating - with a 1 year survival rate of 24% and a 5 year survival rate of just 6%, there just aren’t many survival stories.  The reason why is because the National  Cancer Institute only allocates 2% of their annual budget to pancreatic cancer research.  That is why I need your help - please consider donating to our team, "Amara's Flame", and/or visit Pancreatic Cancer Action Network's website, read the warning signs, and then join or share your local PurpleStrides event!

Here is a picture of Amara taken on January 15, 2012, she was 1 day old. 46 days before this picture was taken, her father lost his 5 month battle with pancreatic cancer - Amara never met him. He never got to hold her, to see her face, to see her smile... They were both robbed out of the father/daughter bond that they should be experiencing having RIGHT now. The father/daughter bond a good percent of men take for granted on a daily basis. He wanted nothing more than to be her daddy.. and I wanted nothing more than to make that happen!  

But now, all I want is to stop others from losing a parent (or loved one) due to pancreatic cancer!

Amara and her daddy are the reasons that I wear purple EVERY day.. Amara and her daddy are the reasons I continue to raise awareness about pancreatic cancer... Amara and her daddy are the reasons why I will be walking at PurpleStride. If you're in the area, please consider walking along side me and Amara on May 6th to help us in our efforts to END pancreatic cancer!

If you cannot make it on May 6th, please help us by making a donation to support our team, Amara's Flame.  Every dollar counts!  All donations go to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (PANCAN).

Did you know that PANCAN has received another 4-star rating this year, the highest rating possible, for the 8th year by Charity Navigator! Only 1% of charities they rate have received atleast 8 consecutive 4-stars! 
 
If you have any questions about making a donation, about pancreatic cancer, about surrogacy, about me, or anything at all please email me at surrogateinri@gmail.com

Make a donation: http://purplestride.kintera.org/rhodeisland2012/courtneyleemartinez
Join our team: http://purplestride.kintera.org/rhodeisland2012/amarasflame

One Year Later..

One year ago, I decided that I should start writing about my upcoming surrogacy journey.  I never had a blog before this time. Never wrote too much.  Didn't think anyone would care about my story.  One year later, I have 8,700 hits and a bunch of followers.  I receive emails  about how my story touched people's lives, people asking questions.  My sister is writing a paper about my story for her college assignment.  I could never have pictured any of this happening a year ago.  We didn't even transfer yet, there was no guarantee it would work once we did.  We had no clue that cancer would affect us.  I don't know what urged me that day to decide to start a blog, but boy am I happy I did.  I now have something to go back to and read how I was feeling at different times along the journey.  My journey.  Journey by Courtney.  I hope some people learned from my story.  Learned how precious life is.   To love life more.  Remember to live each day is if it could be your last.  Everything can be perfect one day, and crumble the next but you have to continue to be strong and pick up the pieces and keep going... because usually, someone else is depending on you.

This and that

I was on one of my social networking sites and seen a post I wrote several years ago.. it said how I wish I could be pregnant again because I loved the feeling of having a child growing in me, but I would only do it again if somehow the baby was not mine and therefore I would not have to take care of the baby after it was born.... looks like I got my wish :)  I helped bring a miracle into the world.  

Boy, have I missed being able to come here and just write and actually have something to write about that people would be interested in reading.  Being able to share what is on my mind and receiving all kinds of emails from readers sharing their support.  I know people are looking for an update, so I figured today is as good as any to write a bit..

It is weird because in one thought, I can't believe it's been 12 weeks (and two days) since little Amara blessed our lives but in my next thought, I don't quite remember a life without Amara being a part of it.  With that said, I am happy to say that me and Kate still have a wonderful relationship.. I get photos of Amara often, way more often than I could have EVER imagined but not just photos, videos of her, too.  Videos of her smiling and even laughing.  In one video, you can even hear Kate say "we love you Courtney".. I don't know how many times I've listened to that video, but each time, my heart still melts, my eyes still fill up with tears - I truly couldn't love those two more than I already do.

Besides huge amounts of pictures and videos, Amara has visited our house on several occasions and I have gone to their house to visit, too.  Kate is working from home now so when I have a day off from work, I love to go spend time with Amara while she works.  Just being able to spend time holding her and looking at her beautiful face is an amazing privilege.  I am a lucky surrogate, this kind of thing doesn't happen every day!  Sometimes I think Amara knows our story.  The way she looks at me and the way she looks at her mommy. I think she knows what we've all been through.  I think she know exactly how special she is.  

Amara is the best baby girl, she's sleeping through the night, has been for several weeks now, and she is always happy, smiling, and talking to herself.  Kate and Amara are fantastic together.  Although I love to hog Amara while I am visiting, there is truly nothing better than seeing her holding her daughter in her arms.  And you can just see the love between the two of them the moment you walk in the room - you'd never know that Kate missed out on the 9 months of in-utero bonding.  Amara definitely loves her mama and her mama loves her!  Dreams do come true

My kids are doing great still. No emotional issues, no questions, no nothing.  Sometimes I wonder if they forgot it even happened.  They do talk about Kate and Amara often, but never about me being pregnant.  Never about what we all went through.  

I've been doing great - physically I am back to myself besides a few lbs and inches. I am great emotionally, too.  Of course, I didn't know what to expect after I had the baby.  I knew I tried to prepare myself and never allowed my self to get too attached, which wasn't hard to do.. somehow my mind and heart always knew the baby depending on my for survival was not my baby - I was just babysitting.  That may seem funny since I just got done saying how much I love her, can't get enough of her, but the love I have for her is everything but a motherly love.  The motherly feeling was never there.  I don't feel like I am missing something.  Sometimes, it's hard to even remember she came out of my uterus!  I know I did an amazing thing and even though I don't understand why so much crap happened during our journey.. why Nain had to get sick.. why he had to pass away.. why he never got to meet his first and only daughter.. i feel that everything that had happened made me stronger and definitely made me a better person.  I am much more able to appreciate ALL of the small things in life.  I take time to smell the roses.  I enjoy every moment, even when I am in traffic.  I simply love life more than I ever have before.

Someone close to me asked me how I was able to do this.. how I don't miss her.. how I could sign up to do this, to ultimately give away the baby.  The person who asked was someone who recently, within 2 years, put a baby up for adoption. Although I know that she knows she made the right decision for herself and for her baby, I think she is still struggling slightly with her decision.  I'm sure there are days where she misses her baby.  I bet she remembers every second of the day when she had to hand the baby over to it's new parents, or when she had to sign her rights away.  We all sign our signatures so often.. on credit card receipts, on checks, on birthday cards.. but imagine having to sign your name on a piece of paper that would change not only your life, but the life of an innocent newborn.  Having been through all that, she just couldn't understand how I would freely put myself in the position she was in not too long ago.. Once I explained surrogacy more to her.. how I choose to do this, I thought about it for quite some time, found a couple first, got to know them, went through the procedures and carried a child that was not biologically mine, I think she understood that although we both carried babies that we didn't intend to keep, our stories were completely different.  I have so much respect for anyone who chooses adoption, those women are giving such a gift.  Bless all of you who've ever had to make that choice.  Bless you for allowing another family to raise your child, to give them a child they may have never had, to make them parents.  

I love to answer questions or share my ideas on things such as this, so please continue to send me email to surrogateinri@gmail.com and I will keep all messages confidential.