Amara started raising awareness for Pancreatic Cancer at just 1 day old and she's still doing it at almost a year! Woohoo! Keep up the good work, Ms. Amara!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
A Lasting Surrogacy Bond
While reading this blog over the past year, you've had a glimpse into my side of this journey but if you have ever wondered about the other side, read this article....
http://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2012/11/25/lasting-surrogacy-bond/ImLDykJbKfUVp81Sh7E6jI/story.html
Let me know what you think.
http://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2012/11/25/lasting-surrogacy-bond/ImLDykJbKfUVp81Sh7E6jI/story.html
Let me know what you think.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
PurpleStrides
In less than TWO weeks, I will walk in my second PurpleStrides event to support the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (pancan.org).
Last September, I walked with Amara inside my womb, her mother walked right next to me, we walked in support of her father who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just 72 days prior. We were surrounded by others that felt how we felt, that knew what we were going through - a disease with a 6% survival rate does not often bring hope, but that day, we felt hope and love all around us.
On May 6th, we will put our walking shoes on again to continue our mission to raise awareness about pancreatic cancer. This time (almost) 4-month old Amara will be joining us in her stroller while we walk in memory of her father, Nain, who passed away on November 30, 2011, just five months after being diagnosed.
He was diagnosed on June 30th at the age of 41 (31 years before the average age) with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, it was his 6th wedding anniversary and just 7 weeks after he found out he'd be a daddy for the first time.. He fought hard and did everything possible but sadly he lost his fight just six weeks before Amara was born.
Hearing you have or someone you love has pancreatic cancer is devastating - with a 1 year survival rate of 24% and a 5 year survival rate of just 6%, there just aren’t many survival stories. The reason why is because the National Cancer Institute only allocates 2% of their annual budget to pancreatic cancer research. That is why I need your help - please consider donating to our team, "Amara's Flame", and/or visit Pancreatic Cancer Action Network's website, read the warning signs, and then join or share your local PurpleStrides event!
Last September, I walked with Amara inside my womb, her mother walked right next to me, we walked in support of her father who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just 72 days prior. We were surrounded by others that felt how we felt, that knew what we were going through - a disease with a 6% survival rate does not often bring hope, but that day, we felt hope and love all around us.
On May 6th, we will put our walking shoes on again to continue our mission to raise awareness about pancreatic cancer. This time (almost) 4-month old Amara will be joining us in her stroller while we walk in memory of her father, Nain, who passed away on November 30, 2011, just five months after being diagnosed.
He was diagnosed on June 30th at the age of 41 (31 years before the average age) with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, it was his 6th wedding anniversary and just 7 weeks after he found out he'd be a daddy for the first time.. He fought hard and did everything possible but sadly he lost his fight just six weeks before Amara was born.
Hearing you have or someone you love has pancreatic cancer is devastating - with a 1 year survival rate of 24% and a 5 year survival rate of just 6%, there just aren’t many survival stories. The reason why is because the National Cancer Institute only allocates 2% of their annual budget to pancreatic cancer research. That is why I need your help - please consider donating to our team, "Amara's Flame", and/or visit Pancreatic Cancer Action Network's website, read the warning signs, and then join or share your local PurpleStrides event!
Here is a picture of Amara taken on January 15, 2012, she was 1 day old. 46 days before this picture was taken, her father lost his 5 month battle with pancreatic cancer - Amara never met him. He never got to hold her, to see her face, to see her smile... They were both robbed out of the father/daughter bond that they should be experiencing having RIGHT now. The father/daughter bond a good percent of men take for granted on a daily basis. He wanted nothing more than to be her daddy.. and I wanted nothing more than to make that happen!
But now, all I want is to stop others from losing a parent (or loved one) due to pancreatic cancer!
Amara and her daddy are the reasons that I wear purple EVERY day.. Amara and her daddy are the reasons I continue to raise awareness about pancreatic cancer... Amara and her daddy are the reasons why I will be walking at PurpleStride. If you're in the area, please consider walking along side me and Amara on May 6th to help us in our efforts to END pancreatic cancer!
If you cannot make it on May 6th, please help us by making a donation to support our team, Amara's Flame. Every dollar counts! All donations go to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network (PANCAN).
Did you know that PANCAN has received another 4-star rating this year, the highest rating possible, for the 8th year by Charity Navigator! Only 1% of charities they rate have received atleast 8 consecutive 4-stars!
If you have any questions about making a donation, about pancreatic cancer, about surrogacy, about me, or anything at all please email me at surrogateinri@gmail.com
Join our team: http://purplestride.kintera.org/rhodeisland2012/amarasflame
Monday, April 9, 2012
One Year Later..
One year ago, I decided that I should start writing about my upcoming surrogacy journey. I never had a blog before this time. Never wrote too much. Didn't think anyone would care about my story. One year later, I have 8,700 hits and a bunch of followers. I receive emails about how my story touched people's lives, people asking questions. My sister is writing a paper about my story for her college assignment. I could never have pictured any of this happening a year ago. We didn't even transfer yet, there was no guarantee it would work once we did. We had no clue that cancer would affect us. I don't know what urged me that day to decide to start a blog, but boy am I happy I did. I now have something to go back to and read how I was feeling at different times along the journey. My journey. Journey by Courtney. I hope some people learned from my story. Learned how precious life is. To love life more. Remember to live each day is if it could be your last. Everything can be perfect one day, and crumble the next but you have to continue to be strong and pick up the pieces and keep going... because usually, someone else is depending on you.
This and that
I was on one of my social networking sites and seen a post I wrote several years ago.. it said how I wish I could be pregnant again because I loved the feeling of having a child growing in me, but I would only do it again if somehow the baby was not mine and therefore I would not have to take care of the baby after it was born.... looks like I got my wish :) I helped bring a miracle into the world.
It is weird because in one thought, I can't believe it's been 12 weeks (and two days) since little Amara blessed our lives but in my next thought, I don't quite remember a life without Amara being a part of it. With that said, I am happy to say that me and Kate still have a wonderful relationship.. I get photos of Amara often, way more often than I could have EVER imagined but not just photos, videos of her, too. Videos of her smiling and even laughing. In one video, you can even hear Kate say "we love you Courtney".. I don't know how many times I've listened to that video, but each time, my heart still melts, my eyes still fill up with tears - I truly couldn't love those two more than I already do.
Besides huge amounts of pictures and videos, Amara has visited our house on several occasions and I have gone to their house to visit, too. Kate is working from home now so when I have a day off from work, I love to go spend time with Amara while she works. Just being able to spend time holding her and looking at her beautiful face is an amazing privilege. I am a lucky surrogate, this kind of thing doesn't happen every day! Sometimes I think Amara knows our story. The way she looks at me and the way she looks at her mommy. I think she knows what we've all been through. I think she know exactly how special she is.
Amara is the best baby girl, she's sleeping through the night, has been for several weeks now, and she is always happy, smiling, and talking to herself. Kate and Amara are fantastic together. Although I love to hog Amara while I am visiting, there is truly nothing better than seeing her holding her daughter in her arms. And you can just see the love between the two of them the moment you walk in the room - you'd never know that Kate missed out on the 9 months of in-utero bonding. Amara definitely loves her mama and her mama loves her! Dreams do come true
My kids are doing great still. No emotional issues, no questions, no nothing. Sometimes I wonder if they forgot it even happened. They do talk about Kate and Amara often, but never about me being pregnant. Never about what we all went through.
I've been doing great - physically I am back to myself besides a few lbs and inches. I am great emotionally, too. Of course, I didn't know what to expect after I had the baby. I knew I tried to prepare myself and never allowed my self to get too attached, which wasn't hard to do.. somehow my mind and heart always knew the baby depending on my for survival was not my baby - I was just babysitting. That may seem funny since I just got done saying how much I love her, can't get enough of her, but the love I have for her is everything but a motherly love. The motherly feeling was never there. I don't feel like I am missing something. Sometimes, it's hard to even remember she came out of my uterus! I know I did an amazing thing and even though I don't understand why so much crap happened during our journey.. why Nain had to get sick.. why he had to pass away.. why he never got to meet his first and only daughter.. i feel that everything that had happened made me stronger and definitely made me a better person. I am much more able to appreciate ALL of the small things in life. I take time to smell the roses. I enjoy every moment, even when I am in traffic. I simply love life more than I ever have before.
Someone close to me asked me how I was able to do this.. how I don't miss her.. how I could sign up to do this, to ultimately give away the baby. The person who asked was someone who recently, within 2 years, put a baby up for adoption. Although I know that she knows she made the right decision for herself and for her baby, I think she is still struggling slightly with her decision. I'm sure there are days where she misses her baby. I bet she remembers every second of the day when she had to hand the baby over to it's new parents, or when she had to sign her rights away. We all sign our signatures so often.. on credit card receipts, on checks, on birthday cards.. but imagine having to sign your name on a piece of paper that would change not only your life, but the life of an innocent newborn. Having been through all that, she just couldn't understand how I would freely put myself in the position she was in not too long ago.. Once I explained surrogacy more to her.. how I choose to do this, I thought about it for quite some time, found a couple first, got to know them, went through the procedures and carried a child that was not biologically mine, I think she understood that although we both carried babies that we didn't intend to keep, our stories were completely different. I have so much respect for anyone who chooses adoption, those women are giving such a gift. Bless all of you who've ever had to make that choice. Bless you for allowing another family to raise your child, to give them a child they may have never had, to make them parents.
I love to answer questions or share my ideas on things such as this, so please continue to send me email to surrogateinri@gmail.com and I will keep all messages confidential.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Now what?
It's been 10 days since I gave birth to another woman's baby...
...and quite frankly, I feel a little lost. I miss my belly, I miss feeling her kick, move and hiccup.. I think I even miss the heartburn a tad bit. I miss people asking me if I am pregnant and being able to tell them the wonderful story (which I also always threw in a few facts about pancreatic cancer - great awareness!). I miss having that special connection with Kate. I am no longer her surrogate, no longer carrying her most precious cargo. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE the new relationship we have, the "new role" as a surrogate friend told me this part is. It is beyond wonderful to get a new text message update or a new photo from Kate, especially since I know there's no requirements for her to do so.. some surrogate/IP contracts require certain contact afterwards, such as email updates, cards, photos at certain ages.. the 4 of us, in the way beginning, choose to not put this in our contract when it was drawn up, not because we didn't want contact after the baby was born - but because we wanted it to be natural. We wanted to see how our relationship would grow throughout the months on it's own and not be forced to make one. And that means so much to me now, every time I get a new update, it is FANTASTIC to know that she does it because she genuinely WANTS to - I love our friendship, the feeling of being friends, almost like an extended family. I can only hope it continues to grow for years to come.
So now that I sit here and think about it, it's not so much I miss the stage of being pregnant, I am too excited about what the future holds.. so what do I miss? I really think I am starting to miss THIS.. the blog.. the blog that I was so unsure to start in the beginning because I thought I would have nothing to write about. I thought no one would care to follow my journey. I thought I would be boring. Oh boy was I wrong, I probably was boring at times, but boy did I have followers and even more supporters! I am so happy I took the time to start this blog and although I slacked at times and didn't update as much as I should have and could have, it is great to be able to go back and re-read what I once wrote and relive all the emotions and feelings I had at that time. I am not sure what I would have done without this blog, this outlet and especiallyYOU! All the comments and the private emails. People sharing their stories with me. I truly thank all of you for being my rocks!
But now what? I have nothing to continue to write about. My journey has ended.. and now I am just plain ol' Courtneylee, again... I am trying to decide whether to just end it here and say good-bye, or keep it going and update every once in a while.. I really don't know what is best.. I think this is why I feel the most lost.. a 'now what?' type of feeling.
People have asked "Will I do surrogacy again?" and the answer is a very firm NO. The only way I would change my mind is if it was for my sister - but besides that, I am "retired". In the beginning, I truly wanted to do another journey or even two. I wanted to help create more families.. but this journey has changed everything. It has been extremely special to me and so close to my heart. I would never want to try to 'reenact' it with another set of intended parents. I could not even dream about two people that are more deserving than Kate and Nain or anyone who will ever be more special than Amara. She is my little miracle surrobaby angel - and I want her to be the one and only.
If you find yourself wondering what to read while I try to figure out the meaning of my life after surrogacy, PLEASE check out A Belly For Me, A Baby For You. It is a blog written by 2 sisters-in-law. Natalie, the indtended mother, and Tiffany, the surrogate. Natalie just had her egg retrieval TODAY and they got 16 eggs! If all goes well, Tiffany will have 2 embryos (yes, her brother's embryos) transferred into her Friday or Sunday! So catch up on their blog now, I think it's going to be a GREAT year! Oh, did I mention, they're also filming a documentary?! I love their story, and I know you will too.
...and quite frankly, I feel a little lost. I miss my belly, I miss feeling her kick, move and hiccup.. I think I even miss the heartburn a tad bit. I miss people asking me if I am pregnant and being able to tell them the wonderful story (which I also always threw in a few facts about pancreatic cancer - great awareness!). I miss having that special connection with Kate. I am no longer her surrogate, no longer carrying her most precious cargo. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE the new relationship we have, the "new role" as a surrogate friend told me this part is. It is beyond wonderful to get a new text message update or a new photo from Kate, especially since I know there's no requirements for her to do so.. some surrogate/IP contracts require certain contact afterwards, such as email updates, cards, photos at certain ages.. the 4 of us, in the way beginning, choose to not put this in our contract when it was drawn up, not because we didn't want contact after the baby was born - but because we wanted it to be natural. We wanted to see how our relationship would grow throughout the months on it's own and not be forced to make one. And that means so much to me now, every time I get a new update, it is FANTASTIC to know that she does it because she genuinely WANTS to - I love our friendship, the feeling of being friends, almost like an extended family. I can only hope it continues to grow for years to come.
So now that I sit here and think about it, it's not so much I miss the stage of being pregnant, I am too excited about what the future holds.. so what do I miss? I really think I am starting to miss THIS.. the blog.. the blog that I was so unsure to start in the beginning because I thought I would have nothing to write about. I thought no one would care to follow my journey. I thought I would be boring. Oh boy was I wrong, I probably was boring at times, but boy did I have followers and even more supporters! I am so happy I took the time to start this blog and although I slacked at times and didn't update as much as I should have and could have, it is great to be able to go back and re-read what I once wrote and relive all the emotions and feelings I had at that time. I am not sure what I would have done without this blog, this outlet and especiallyYOU! All the comments and the private emails. People sharing their stories with me. I truly thank all of you for being my rocks!
But now what? I have nothing to continue to write about. My journey has ended.. and now I am just plain ol' Courtneylee, again... I am trying to decide whether to just end it here and say good-bye, or keep it going and update every once in a while.. I really don't know what is best.. I think this is why I feel the most lost.. a 'now what?' type of feeling.
People have asked "Will I do surrogacy again?" and the answer is a very firm NO. The only way I would change my mind is if it was for my sister - but besides that, I am "retired". In the beginning, I truly wanted to do another journey or even two. I wanted to help create more families.. but this journey has changed everything. It has been extremely special to me and so close to my heart. I would never want to try to 'reenact' it with another set of intended parents. I could not even dream about two people that are more deserving than Kate and Nain or anyone who will ever be more special than Amara. She is my little miracle surrobaby angel - and I want her to be the one and only.
If you find yourself wondering what to read while I try to figure out the meaning of my life after surrogacy, PLEASE check out A Belly For Me, A Baby For You. It is a blog written by 2 sisters-in-law. Natalie, the indtended mother, and Tiffany, the surrogate. Natalie just had her egg retrieval TODAY and they got 16 eggs! If all goes well, Tiffany will have 2 embryos (yes, her brother's embryos) transferred into her Friday or Sunday! So catch up on their blog now, I think it's going to be a GREAT year! Oh, did I mention, they're also filming a documentary?! I love their story, and I know you will too.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Special Visitors
Today I had special visitors..
Kate and Amara came to visit!!
It was fantastic to spend time with both of them again. I was able to feed the baby and change her a couple times, and hold her for almost the whole visit! Amara was awake practically the whole time, WIDE awake and so alert! Angelina, Alianna and Dominic were so excited to see her again, too! Dominic just LOVES his baby "cousin"! Gosh, I just love both of them so much! Is it bad that they just left 2 hours ago, and I already miss them and cannot wait to see them again?!
Kate and I talked about how she is adjusting to motherhood and although she may disagree, I think she is doing great! Being a new mom isn't easy, for anyone! Whether you have been wanting the child for years, or if it is unexpected, whether the baby grew inside your body, or someone else's, whether you're wealthy or poor, whether you have a partner's help or you have to do it alone - parenting a child, especially a newborn, is HARD work and no one nor no book can prepare you 100% for what it will be like... but after the weeks (and maybe months) of sleepless nights, you realize it is all worth it. When Amara first says "mama", Kate will forget about the 3am feedings and the cries for no reason, and it WILL all be worth it!
I could tell how tired she was, and it hurts to see her going through so much right now, after all she has been through. I wish there was something I could do.. obviously I wish I could bring him back, but I can't.. I wish I could be there for her, go stay for a night or two, shoot, I'd stay for a week or two if she asked! (Kate, if you're reading this, JUST ASK and you KNOW I'd be there!!) I wish I lived closer so I could visit more often, let her take naps and do 'normal adult things' like errands to the post office, the store, the bank.. I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do.. I didn't go into this surrogacy thinking I would be a part of their lives after delivery, I wished for it, but I didn't expect it.. but I DID go into this surrogacy thinking I was helping two people become parents.. and now things are slightly off track... and I just wish it was easier for her - i wish I could make it easier for her. She doesn't have his help and I wish I could be of more help.. I know I was only 'the surrogate' but I somewhat feel like I helped create this amazing little person, and I wish there was more I could do to help, even though I know it's not my responsibility at all. Within the past year Kate has achieved her biggest dreams and lived through her worst nightmares.. from sitting across from a fertility doctor telling her and her husband that they'll be parents for the first time, to two months later, sitting in front of an oncology doctor telling her that her husband has terminal cancer, and just 5 short months later, becoming a widow, and 6 weeks later, becoming a mom. That's a lot of life changes in such a short amount of time. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes, and THIS is one of those times!
Kate and Amara came to visit!!
It was fantastic to spend time with both of them again. I was able to feed the baby and change her a couple times, and hold her for almost the whole visit! Amara was awake practically the whole time, WIDE awake and so alert! Angelina, Alianna and Dominic were so excited to see her again, too! Dominic just LOVES his baby "cousin"! Gosh, I just love both of them so much! Is it bad that they just left 2 hours ago, and I already miss them and cannot wait to see them again?!
Kate and I talked about how she is adjusting to motherhood and although she may disagree, I think she is doing great! Being a new mom isn't easy, for anyone! Whether you have been wanting the child for years, or if it is unexpected, whether the baby grew inside your body, or someone else's, whether you're wealthy or poor, whether you have a partner's help or you have to do it alone - parenting a child, especially a newborn, is HARD work and no one nor no book can prepare you 100% for what it will be like... but after the weeks (and maybe months) of sleepless nights, you realize it is all worth it. When Amara first says "mama", Kate will forget about the 3am feedings and the cries for no reason, and it WILL all be worth it!
I could tell how tired she was, and it hurts to see her going through so much right now, after all she has been through. I wish there was something I could do.. obviously I wish I could bring him back, but I can't.. I wish I could be there for her, go stay for a night or two, shoot, I'd stay for a week or two if she asked! (Kate, if you're reading this, JUST ASK and you KNOW I'd be there!!) I wish I lived closer so I could visit more often, let her take naps and do 'normal adult things' like errands to the post office, the store, the bank.. I just wish there was SOMETHING I could do.. I didn't go into this surrogacy thinking I would be a part of their lives after delivery, I wished for it, but I didn't expect it.. but I DID go into this surrogacy thinking I was helping two people become parents.. and now things are slightly off track... and I just wish it was easier for her - i wish I could make it easier for her. She doesn't have his help and I wish I could be of more help.. I know I was only 'the surrogate' but I somewhat feel like I helped create this amazing little person, and I wish there was more I could do to help, even though I know it's not my responsibility at all. Within the past year Kate has achieved her biggest dreams and lived through her worst nightmares.. from sitting across from a fertility doctor telling her and her husband that they'll be parents for the first time, to two months later, sitting in front of an oncology doctor telling her that her husband has terminal cancer, and just 5 short months later, becoming a widow, and 6 weeks later, becoming a mom. That's a lot of life changes in such a short amount of time. Life just doesn't seem fair sometimes, and THIS is one of those times!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Surrogacy, through a child's eyes..
People have always been so curious as to how my three children understood surrogacy. They often asked if I thought the kids would be attached to the baby and miss her after she was born. If they truly understood that Amara was not their sister. I have always been very open with them about the surrogacy, right from the beginning. I read them books about surrogacy, talked about the procedures and the reasons why Kate and Nain couldn't have their own baby. I really wanted them to be okay with it and not be confused. I decided to ask them a few questions today to find out how the past year has been for them.. here are their very candid answers...
Answers by Angelina, 10 years old. Angelina is in 5th grade and is very mature for her age, as you will notice in her answers. Her favorite things are cheerleading, Justin Bieber and her iPhone and her favorite book series is The Sisters Grimm.
What did you think when I first told you I was going to be a surrogate? "I was like, 'what?! that is crazy."
Why did you think it was crazy? "It wasn't something I really knew about, it was uncommon to me, but now I am happy because we helped another family" I love how she said "we" :)
What do you think of Kate? She is so easy going and even though there's been a lot of bad things in her life, she is always looking at the bright side of things, and she is always grateful for what she has.. she never says 'well, I wanted this, not that', she is just always happy with what she gets"
and Nain? "He was so kind, always caring about others, even when he was the one that needed to be cared for, he was so selfless"
How did Nain's getting sick and passing away affect you? "I started to feel like raising awareness about cancer was part my duty, every time I heard the word 'cancer', I'd pop right up and talked about it, I even did a paper on pancreatic cancer in school."
What's your favorite memory of me being pregnant with Amara? "Going to their house and us all being together and even though Nain was already sick, there was a little ray of hope, everyone was happy. It was the perfect day."
What is one thing you didn't like about me being pregnant with Amara? "We couldn't do anything fun. You were always so grouchy, and never in a good mood."
Were you worried while I was in the hospital? "yeah. Because it was a little early and I didn't know how Amara was going to be, or how you were going to be."
What was your first thought when you seen/held Amara? "She looked like a baby doll, she was so small."
Did you want to bring Amara home? "I love babies so of course, yes, but no because I know she is not really related to us and she is Kate's baby and Kate needs her baby. I am sad but not enough to make me cry, she is like a cousin"
So she is like your cousin, you don't feel like Amara is your sister? "Nah..."
Do you miss Amara? "I miss her because she is SO adorable, but, it's not like I will cry, it's more like I miss her and I can't wait to see her again."
What are your biggest dreams for Amara? "to grow up and know the story of her father and help raise awareness and be proud of how much her father fought for her and for his life and for Amara to carry on his legacy."
Answers by Alianna, 8 years old. Alianna is in 2nd grade and is a very matter-of-fact, straight to the point type of person. She is honest, blunt and definitely one of a kind. Her favorite color is pink and if she could have any animal in the world, it would be a giraffe.
What is a surrogate? "I don't know, what do you think I am, 90?"
What did you think about me being pregnant with Amara? "Not so sure about that question"
Your teachers told me you always told them about our story, did you tell your friends too? "Well, I shared about it in front of the class when she was born."
Did you like me being pregnant? "No, because you couldn't even walk!"
Were you excited to visit Amara at the hospital? "Yes!! and I got to see her before Angelina and Dominic! I was the first to hold the baby"
How did I have someone else's baby in my belly? "The doctor's put the baby in your belly" (this started a big conversation - she asked how exactly the baby got there, did they cut my stomach open, did I swallow her.. I said, no, they used a needle to put her in - both Alianna and Angelina's eyes practically popped out I thought it was just because of the thought of me needing a needle - but it was because neither could believe she could have fit in a needle!!!
Is Amara your baby sister? "No"
Do you want to see Amara again? "Sure"
What do you think Amara's first word will be? "Dada"
Do you think it will make Kate sad when she says Dada? "Yes so maybe her first word should be mama instead"
Do you think Nain is watching over Amara? "Yes"
Do you want me to be a surrogate again? "What is that?"
Do you want me to have someone else's baby in my belly again? "No!"
Answers by Dominic, 6 years old. Dominic is in kindergarten and loves to watch Sponge Bob while playing with Lightening McQueen toys. He loves to give compliments to others but will also tell you if you're not looking up to par but in the most sweetest way ever. He wants to be a car designer when he is older.
Where did my belly go? "The baby is gone, so you belly shrinked"
Where is the baby now? "She is with Kate"
Do you remember the reason why Kate couldn't grow Amara in her belly? "because she had cancer"
Is Amara your baby sister? "No, she is my cousin"
Do you think Kate is going to be a good mom? "Yes, because she gives her food and new diapers"
What is a good lullaby that Kate should learn to sing to Amara? "She needs to learn 'Rock-A Bye-Baby'" Kate was singing New Kids on the Block songs to Amara when we visited at the hospital because she didn't know a lullaby, I say NKOTB is a great substitution!
If you could give Amara any gift in the world, what would it be? "a fake cell phone" (Alianna chimed in and said "HER DAD!")
Do you miss Amara being in my belly? "Yes"
Who is Amara's guardian angel? "her daddy"
Do you want to go visit Kate and Amara soon? "Yes, can we go tomorrow?"
Do you think Amara will look like Kate or like Nain when she gets bigger? "like her mommy because she is a girl"
Do you miss Amara? "Yes"
Do you wish she lived with us? "No, because babies whine A LOT!"
Answers by Angelina, 10 years old. Angelina is in 5th grade and is very mature for her age, as you will notice in her answers. Her favorite things are cheerleading, Justin Bieber and her iPhone and her favorite book series is The Sisters Grimm.
What did you think when I first told you I was going to be a surrogate? "I was like, 'what?! that is crazy."
Why did you think it was crazy? "It wasn't something I really knew about, it was uncommon to me, but now I am happy because we helped another family" I love how she said "we" :)
What do you think of Kate? She is so easy going and even though there's been a lot of bad things in her life, she is always looking at the bright side of things, and she is always grateful for what she has.. she never says 'well, I wanted this, not that', she is just always happy with what she gets"
and Nain? "He was so kind, always caring about others, even when he was the one that needed to be cared for, he was so selfless"
How did Nain's getting sick and passing away affect you? "I started to feel like raising awareness about cancer was part my duty, every time I heard the word 'cancer', I'd pop right up and talked about it, I even did a paper on pancreatic cancer in school."
What's your favorite memory of me being pregnant with Amara? "Going to their house and us all being together and even though Nain was already sick, there was a little ray of hope, everyone was happy. It was the perfect day."
What is one thing you didn't like about me being pregnant with Amara? "We couldn't do anything fun. You were always so grouchy, and never in a good mood."
Were you worried while I was in the hospital? "yeah. Because it was a little early and I didn't know how Amara was going to be, or how you were going to be."
What was your first thought when you seen/held Amara? "She looked like a baby doll, she was so small."
Did you want to bring Amara home? "I love babies so of course, yes, but no because I know she is not really related to us and she is Kate's baby and Kate needs her baby. I am sad but not enough to make me cry, she is like a cousin"
So she is like your cousin, you don't feel like Amara is your sister? "Nah..."
Do you miss Amara? "I miss her because she is SO adorable, but, it's not like I will cry, it's more like I miss her and I can't wait to see her again."
What are your biggest dreams for Amara? "to grow up and know the story of her father and help raise awareness and be proud of how much her father fought for her and for his life and for Amara to carry on his legacy."
Answers by Alianna, 8 years old. Alianna is in 2nd grade and is a very matter-of-fact, straight to the point type of person. She is honest, blunt and definitely one of a kind. Her favorite color is pink and if she could have any animal in the world, it would be a giraffe.
What is a surrogate? "I don't know, what do you think I am, 90?"
What did you think about me being pregnant with Amara? "Not so sure about that question"
Your teachers told me you always told them about our story, did you tell your friends too? "Well, I shared about it in front of the class when she was born."
Did you like me being pregnant? "No, because you couldn't even walk!"
Were you excited to visit Amara at the hospital? "Yes!! and I got to see her before Angelina and Dominic! I was the first to hold the baby"
How did I have someone else's baby in my belly? "The doctor's put the baby in your belly" (this started a big conversation - she asked how exactly the baby got there, did they cut my stomach open, did I swallow her.. I said, no, they used a needle to put her in - both Alianna and Angelina's eyes practically popped out I thought it was just because of the thought of me needing a needle - but it was because neither could believe she could have fit in a needle!!!
Is Amara your baby sister? "No"
Do you want to see Amara again? "Sure"
What do you think Amara's first word will be? "Dada"
Do you think it will make Kate sad when she says Dada? "Yes so maybe her first word should be mama instead"
Do you think Nain is watching over Amara? "Yes"
Do you want me to be a surrogate again? "What is that?"
Do you want me to have someone else's baby in my belly again? "No!"
Answers by Dominic, 6 years old. Dominic is in kindergarten and loves to watch Sponge Bob while playing with Lightening McQueen toys. He loves to give compliments to others but will also tell you if you're not looking up to par but in the most sweetest way ever. He wants to be a car designer when he is older.
Where did my belly go? "The baby is gone, so you belly shrinked"
Where is the baby now? "She is with Kate"
Do you remember the reason why Kate couldn't grow Amara in her belly? "because she had cancer"
Is Amara your baby sister? "No, she is my cousin"
Do you think Kate is going to be a good mom? "Yes, because she gives her food and new diapers"
What is a good lullaby that Kate should learn to sing to Amara? "She needs to learn 'Rock-A Bye-Baby'" Kate was singing New Kids on the Block songs to Amara when we visited at the hospital because she didn't know a lullaby, I say NKOTB is a great substitution!
If you could give Amara any gift in the world, what would it be? "a fake cell phone" (Alianna chimed in and said "HER DAD!")
Do you miss Amara being in my belly? "Yes"
Who is Amara's guardian angel? "her daddy"
Do you want to go visit Kate and Amara soon? "Yes, can we go tomorrow?"
Do you think Amara will look like Kate or like Nain when she gets bigger? "like her mommy because she is a girl"
Do you miss Amara? "Yes"
Do you wish she lived with us? "No, because babies whine A LOT!"
Saturday, January 21, 2012
One week later
It's been a week since I gave birth to another woman's baby.
Emotionally, I have been doing great.. those feelings that I had the first night, the feeling of loneliness, haven't really returned. I added the "really" in there because there was one day since I've been home that I remember telling Kenny "I felt sad again today..." I think it was on Tuesday, three days after delivery.. I was home alone all day and I remember just feeling like I missed someone.. it could have just been because on Sunday and Monday I had Kenny and the kids home with me.. but on Tuesday, it was just me. Around 4:30pm, I got a message on my phone and it was from Kate - it was a video titled "In case you miss the hiccups :)", it was Amara, and yes, you guessed it, she had the hiccups!! Kate was telling her to say hi to me and it honestly looked like she waved! It made me smile, cry, and laugh. It was the absolute best medicine and exactly what I needed to get out of the funk I was in all day. Since then, I have been wonderful! I haven't felt anymore sadness and each day is getting better and better. Although I am doing emotionally 98% better, it doesn't stop me from getting teared up every time someone asks me about her or any part of the experience - they're a mix of happy and sad tears.. I am sure it's half because my hormones are still a little wacky, but I feel like even in 10 years when someone asks me about my journey, I'll still tear up. Mostly they'll be toys of joy and proudness!
Physically is a different story.. Wednesday was horrible - I was in A LOT of pain. I could hardly walk and my body was giving me signs that I really needed to slow down(pain, cramps, flow). I didn't expect it to be so difficult to take it easy around the house but it's so different when you don't have a newborn to take care of, to feed every two hours, who wakes you through out the night - so unlike a new mom, I have no one to take care of (while my family is at work and school) and I am not sleep deprived. I am home alone all day and I was up and about, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, going up and down the stairs.... but by Wednesday night, I couldn't move off the couch. The pain was so intense and the bleeding was pretty bad. I took 800mg of ibuprofen and stayed on the couch for the rest of the night as well as all day on Thursday and limited my activity on Friday, but Friday night (last night) I had a lot of bleeding, so much that I called my doctor and was ready to go to the ER, but she told me to first try laying down and massaging my uterus.. I did that until I fell asleep and so far, so good. I am feeling much better today, but I am definitely giving my body the time to healing now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I just had a baby one week ago...
Emotionally, I have been doing great.. those feelings that I had the first night, the feeling of loneliness, haven't really returned. I added the "really" in there because there was one day since I've been home that I remember telling Kenny "I felt sad again today..." I think it was on Tuesday, three days after delivery.. I was home alone all day and I remember just feeling like I missed someone.. it could have just been because on Sunday and Monday I had Kenny and the kids home with me.. but on Tuesday, it was just me. Around 4:30pm, I got a message on my phone and it was from Kate - it was a video titled "In case you miss the hiccups :)", it was Amara, and yes, you guessed it, she had the hiccups!! Kate was telling her to say hi to me and it honestly looked like she waved! It made me smile, cry, and laugh. It was the absolute best medicine and exactly what I needed to get out of the funk I was in all day. Since then, I have been wonderful! I haven't felt anymore sadness and each day is getting better and better. Although I am doing emotionally 98% better, it doesn't stop me from getting teared up every time someone asks me about her or any part of the experience - they're a mix of happy and sad tears.. I am sure it's half because my hormones are still a little wacky, but I feel like even in 10 years when someone asks me about my journey, I'll still tear up. Mostly they'll be toys of joy and proudness!
Physically is a different story.. Wednesday was horrible - I was in A LOT of pain. I could hardly walk and my body was giving me signs that I really needed to slow down(pain, cramps, flow). I didn't expect it to be so difficult to take it easy around the house but it's so different when you don't have a newborn to take care of, to feed every two hours, who wakes you through out the night - so unlike a new mom, I have no one to take care of (while my family is at work and school) and I am not sleep deprived. I am home alone all day and I was up and about, cleaning the bathroom, sweeping the floor, going up and down the stairs.... but by Wednesday night, I couldn't move off the couch. The pain was so intense and the bleeding was pretty bad. I took 800mg of ibuprofen and stayed on the couch for the rest of the night as well as all day on Thursday and limited my activity on Friday, but Friday night (last night) I had a lot of bleeding, so much that I called my doctor and was ready to go to the ER, but she told me to first try laying down and massaging my uterus.. I did that until I fell asleep and so far, so good. I am feeling much better today, but I am definitely giving my body the time to healing now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I just had a baby one week ago...
Thursday, January 19, 2012
"How will you give the baby away...."
Ahh it's the question I was asked the most (besides "You're getting paid for that, right?!").. Everyone always wanted to know how I would give the baby away after carrying her for nine months.. wouldn't I feel like she was mine.. wouldn't I want to keep her.. I used to tell people I really didn't know how I would feel, but I did know that 'it's not my baby', 'I am giving the baby back, not giving the baby away' and I'll just figured out all the rest as it happens...
Now I lived through it, now I know.. I know what I didn't know before.. and I was correct for the most part, when I seen her, I knew she was not mine, when I held her, I didn't feel like her mother, when I left her alone with her mother, I didn't feel like I was abandoning or leaving my child... but there were also many emotions that I didn't think I would feel, that I felt and that I am still feeling on day 5...
So let's start from the beginning.. while I was in labor, and definitely while I was pushing, all I wanted was to hurry up and push her out, I wanted her to be in her mother's arms. I wanted this moment for the past 16 months, it all came down to THIS MOMENT...
Then all of a sudden, she was here.. she was on my stomach, she was crying, Kate was standing there and was crying, Kate was cutting the cord, the whole time I didn't know what to do.. I was in pain, I was relieved, I could breathe again, I was crying, I had a crying baby on me, a baby I carried for 9 months, a baby that kept me up so much at night kicking me, a baby that had hiccups three or more times a day.. now she was on me, I wanted to touch her, I wanted to see her face.. and then she was gone.......
The nurses had Kate and the baby sit down on a chair for skin-to-skin contact so they could bond. The chair was to my right, but further back behind my bed, so if I turned my head a lot, I could see them, but it wasn't that comfortable - especially with the doctor trying to deliver the placenta, which, by the way, I firmly believe is worse than delivering a baby! OUCH!! I am cringing right now thinking about it.. thinking about him pressing on my tummy, and then physically digging around the inside of my uterus with his hands.. talk about painful!
I just wanted to see her and I couldn't. I don't even know why I wanted to see her so bad.. I knew she was healthy.. and I knew I didn't have to see her to know that she was beautiful... I knew Kate finally had her daughter.. I never thought seeing her face would mean so much to me, but in that moment, it did, and meant everything but I couldn't see her face...
I remember crying.. but I didn't know why I was crying.. was it the pain from the placenta, was it tears of joy, tears of sadness? I remember thinking of Nain. Thinking of the 'what ifs'. Thinking how different it would have been. I remember seeing Kenny crying, although he was doing a good job not to let anyone notice - Kate and Amara were still both crying and Kate's mother was crying. Kate's father came in the room to meet his first grandchild, I didn't see him with tears, but I heard he had some, too. We were all crying, so I was normal, right?
After the doctor was done with me and the placenta was out, I felt a bit more comfortable and right on time, here came breakfast!! I was starving and I ate everything on my plate! Yummy! The nurses had Amara on the other side of the room as they checked her vitals and her apgar. I had Kate open the gifts I got her to try to take my mind off all that was going on.. an outfit for Amara that Alianna picked out and was so proud of, a SleepSheep with soothing sounds including a heartbeat, a Alex and Ani "Miracles Do Happen" Bracelet and my favorite, a custom print from DeRoy Designs (see below). It's really hard to purchase something for someone in this situation, I just delivered her daughter, and our relationship and bond is the ultimate of gifts, but I knew I wanted to give her something, something that signified how much the three of them meant to me, to my whole family and I truly think this print did exactly that....
Shortly after that, Kate, Amara and Kate's parents left my room to let me get some rest. Kenny left to go check on the kids who were still with my sister. It was just me in the room, but it was okay since I was so tired from being up in labor all night, I quickly fell asleep. An hour or two later, I woke up.. I must have been knocked out because my room was so tidy now, I never even noticed anyone came in. I looked at my phone, I had 60 messages on my phone, mostly from Kenny updating my Facebook status to "Amara is here!" three minutes after she was born but one message stood out the most.. it was a message from Kate, a picture of Amara's beautiful face!! I finally knew what she looked like, she was absolutely gorgeous - Life is good!!
After showering and getting dressed, my sister, Brittany, came to visit me.. actually, I think she came to visit Amara, but hey, atleast she acted like she was there for me :) Together we both went to Kate's room to visit. I was able to hold Amara finally and take in all her beauty and cuteness. Brittany held her too, and boy is Brittany a baby hog, she really needs to have her own baby, but that's a whole other blog!! My mother and two aunts also came to visit. This was the first time anyone besides me, Kenny and my kids met Kate so there was lots of talking going back and forth between all of us. I know my mother was happy to finally meet her and Brittany and Kate were instant friends. Kate is the best and anyone that meets her would love her! My family and I went back to my room since my nurse kept coming in and mentioning how I really had to eat - like really?! I am an adult, I am not going to starve myself and I did have a big breakfast right after delivering the baby.. but I knew I had to give Kate some more alone time with her baby, especially since my mother and aunts can be so talkative and loud, and like me, she didn't sleep at all the night prior - off to my room we went!
Day 1 continued pretty much like this.. I had some visitors come and go and lots of nurses in and out of the room.. one of Kate's aunts came to give me a hug, which was so sweet and then Kenny came to visit with our 8 yr old, Alianna, and we went back to visit Amara in Kate's room - we all took turns holding her and snapping pictures - she is such a cutie! It was starting to get late in the day, I still hadn't slept much and Kenny wanted me to get some rest so we went back to my room and he and Alianna left.. I wasn't tired at all though, which was good since the Patriots game would be one soon!
Kate's parents came to my room and asked me to go down to Kate's room to open gifts - the gifts for me were amazing! A January Pandora Birthstone charm, a Kodak Pulse Digital Frame (which hooks up via WiFi and can scroll photos from Facebook, photos that are emailed to the frame's unique email address or photos you simply upload to it - It's perfect because it allows Kate to quickly and easily email me photos of Amara right to the frame - it is amazing!!), spa gift certificates, a purple scarf, a nice gift basket and a very beautiful amethyst (purple, for Nain!!) and diamond necklace and earrings set! I was basically spoiled! I wear, use and view these items like they're the most precious items in the world, because, quite frankly, they are! They all remind me of the most precious little girl in this world, Little Miss Amara Lee!
Kate's parents came to my room and asked me to go down to Kate's room to open gifts - the gifts for me were amazing! A January Pandora Birthstone charm, a Kodak Pulse Digital Frame (which hooks up via WiFi and can scroll photos from Facebook, photos that are emailed to the frame's unique email address or photos you simply upload to it - It's perfect because it allows Kate to quickly and easily email me photos of Amara right to the frame - it is amazing!!), spa gift certificates, a purple scarf, a nice gift basket and a very beautiful amethyst (purple, for Nain!!) and diamond necklace and earrings set! I was basically spoiled! I wear, use and view these items like they're the most precious items in the world, because, quite frankly, they are! They all remind me of the most precious little girl in this world, Little Miss Amara Lee!
That night, I was alone in my room, the Patriots just totally killed the Broncos butts (Woot Woot!) and now not much was on television. I talked to Kenny a few times but he was tired and I was wide awake, lonely, and feeling sad. I wasn't use to being in a room by myself, nevermind a hospital room. For the past 9 months I always atleast had Amara inside me.. I could feel her moving around, if I touched her, she'd kick me back..but now it was just me. I felt so alone. I could hear my heart beating, I could hear the seconds on the clock.. I couldn't sleep.. I didn't know what to do with myself. I started to tear up because I felt so alone. I texted with a few of my friends, one who's been a surrogate several times and she understood exactly how I felt which helped, but it didn't make me better.
My nurse came in and told me that Amara just went to the nursery so that Kate could get some sleep. I texted Kate to tell her to have a good night and she said I should go visit Amara since I was wide awake and Amara was too! I hesitated a bit because I was unsure how the nursery would be, I knew they knew our situation and I did have a bracelet on that matched Amara's but would they feel like I was crossing lines? Would they need approval from Kate first? I don't want them to bother her while she is trying to get some rest. The next time my nurse came in my room, I asked her about it and she told me I was more than welcomed to visit Amara and that she would let the nurses in the nursery know I was on my way, so off I went!!!
My nurse came in and told me that Amara just went to the nursery so that Kate could get some sleep. I texted Kate to tell her to have a good night and she said I should go visit Amara since I was wide awake and Amara was too! I hesitated a bit because I was unsure how the nursery would be, I knew they knew our situation and I did have a bracelet on that matched Amara's but would they feel like I was crossing lines? Would they need approval from Kate first? I don't want them to bother her while she is trying to get some rest. The next time my nurse came in my room, I asked her about it and she told me I was more than welcomed to visit Amara and that she would let the nurses in the nursery know I was on my way, so off I went!!!
I spent a little more than 2 hours in the nursery.. although there were several other babies in that room, and 2 to 3 nurses at times, I honestly felt like it was only me and Amara. I held her, rocked her, I fed and burped her, I changed her diaper, she peed all over me and the bassinet so I had to change her again - I told her stories about how much we ALL loved her, about how proud her daddy was of her, and how she and her mommy are going to live happily ever after. She was so peaceful, and I think she heard every word I said.
Once I got back to my room at 2am, I felt as peaceful as Amara looked. I put my head down on the pillow, I smiled and fell asleep, I fell asleep thinking, "Wow, I was a surrogate"!
I woke up at 7am on Sunday January 15th feeling almost brand new! Today was the day I would be going home, and boy was I ready.. I missed my family and my bed! But I knew I would also miss being only down the hall from Kate and Amara. I showered, put on a pair of jeans, and of course a Patriots shirt! I went and had breakfast, which was funny because even the lady giving out the food knew my name, my room number and my story! I have had several nurses come up and hug me, others that wanted to know more details about the journey, but I didn't think the food service workers knew about us, but they did! After I finished eating, I went to peek in the nursery window, and seen that Amara was still in there!! I went inside to visit - it was now a different shift of nurses, but they seemed fine with me being in there too, they even told me she was hungry and that I should take her to my room to feed her.. so I did!!
Kate came to my room about an hour later, I had already fed her, changed her and had a mini photoshoot. We sat there and talked about how amazing Amara was. How happy we all were with the way things went through the journey and especially the delivery. I told her how I felt the night before, how I felt a bit sad, but that spending time with Amara in the nursery made me feel so much better. I guess I just needed that alone time, just to talk to her and although I realize she is only a newborn and doesn't understand, I just had to tell her how special she was to me.
Kenny and Alianna came back and were so excited to bring me home but we had to wait for the doctor to discharge me so in the meantime we got to spend a lot more time with Kate and Amara - basically all day - it was such an amazing time! After the doctor came in to go over my discharge instructions and check my belly for the last time, I was able to leave. Kenny, Kate and I stood around Amara in the bassinet, it was a little awkward, I never thought about what I would say at this moment, when I am about to leave them.. I know, or atleast I hope, I will see them again soon, so it wasn't a goodbye but a "see ya" wouldn't have been appropriate either.. I just stood there and Kate said something along the lines of "well, thank you for having my baby!" and I replied with "oh, you're welcome, thank you for picking me to have your baby" and we both kind of chuckled and said how corny everything sounds.. "thank yous" and "you're welcomes" would never be enough - so we ended it with big hugs and we all went out the door.. Kate and Amara went to the left, to their room and Kenny and I went to the right, to the elevators. Two nights prior I walked in that hospital a proud, pregnant, surrogate. Today I was walking out, no longer pregnant, no longer a surrogate, but much more proud, much more blessed, much more thankful for life than I was when I walked in...
Kenny and Alianna came back and were so excited to bring me home but we had to wait for the doctor to discharge me so in the meantime we got to spend a lot more time with Kate and Amara - basically all day - it was such an amazing time! After the doctor came in to go over my discharge instructions and check my belly for the last time, I was able to leave. Kenny, Kate and I stood around Amara in the bassinet, it was a little awkward, I never thought about what I would say at this moment, when I am about to leave them.. I know, or atleast I hope, I will see them again soon, so it wasn't a goodbye but a "see ya" wouldn't have been appropriate either.. I just stood there and Kate said something along the lines of "well, thank you for having my baby!" and I replied with "oh, you're welcome, thank you for picking me to have your baby" and we both kind of chuckled and said how corny everything sounds.. "thank yous" and "you're welcomes" would never be enough - so we ended it with big hugs and we all went out the door.. Kate and Amara went to the left, to their room and Kenny and I went to the right, to the elevators. Two nights prior I walked in that hospital a proud, pregnant, surrogate. Today I was walking out, no longer pregnant, no longer a surrogate, but much more proud, much more blessed, much more thankful for life than I was when I walked in...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The birth of a miracle..
This may be a tad boring to some.. so if you're not interested in birth stories, I give you permission to skip this post and move on to the next :)
Five days ago, on Friday, January 13th, I was exactly 39 weeks and I was walking around shopping with my husband, Kenny, and two youngest kids, Alianna and Dominic.. all three of them just NEEDED new sneakers. As I was walking around, I noticed I was getting a little slower at times since I was having a few contractions, but I didn't think much about it, considering they did not hurt, just felt uncomfortable, plus, this was the norm for me, whenever I walked around more than walking from my couch to the fridge or the bathroom, I would start having some braxton hicks - no biggie right?! I just went to the doctor the day before and he said I was only a fingertip dilated and they'd schedule an induction at my 40 week appointment.
After leaving the mall at 7:30pm, I asked the hubby to stop at Old Navy so I could return something before heading home, as we pulled into the parking lot, I felt something wet in my pants but figured it was more of the mucus plug since I passed some the night prior so I tried to ignore it as I hurried in Old Navy and while I stood in line, I felt a bit more come out and I was so confused.. am I peeing my pants, am I bleeding, or could this be HER?! But, I've been pregnant 3 times prior and 2 of the times, my water broke and it gushed.. there was no gush this time.. just every few minutes, I was feeling wetness so I really started to get nervous and wondered if something was wrong. So nervous that once back in the car, I tried to pull down my pants a bit and asked my husband to look and see what it was.. he verified that it definitely wasn't blood and most likely not urine.. "OMGosh, She is coming!", I thought!
Then a thousand things went through my head.. do I call Kate now and tell her.. do I go to the hospital now.. I haven't even packed my bag yet (everything was in piles, but not in a suitcase), I didn't wrap the gifts I got for Kate and Amara yet, what do I do with my kids, Am I ready for this.. Is Kate ready for this?!...
Thank goodness Kenny was there and he calmed me down.. He took over my brain and did all the thinking for me.. he told me step one was to let Kate know what was going on, or atleast what I thought was going on. Then we dropped the kids off to my sister and went home. I took a quick shower while Kenny packed my bag and got me ready. I was still leaking, but very tiny amounts, but I was now 90% sure it was my water, it was a nice clear-pinkish color - definitely not urine :) I called my doctor's office and spoke with the on-call doctor and she wanted me to go to the hospital to be checked.
Kenny and I arrived at the hospital shortly after 9:30pm. I was full of smiles and probably the happiest girl in the maternity unit at the time! It didn't take long for them to confirm that it was my water and although I was only 1-2cms, they admitted me, Labor & Delivery Room 2 was my new home. They started my IV and an antibiotic. Kate and both her parents arrived shortly after midnight and there we all sat.. nothing was happening.. I was only 2cms and the nurse was saying they may not start pitocin until the morning!!! I was not having contractions on my own, so it was pretty boring.. The nurse set up a room for Kate and her parents, Room 8, and both her parents went to take a nap since it was pretty late in the night and no one knew when the baby would actually come!
Maybe taking a nap would have been the thing to do.. maybe we should have all just waited, but I was a tad anxious - I really wanted to meet this little girl and so did KATE! Thankfully Kate and I talked about it quickly while the nurse was out of the room and we both thought it was better to start pitocin sooner and get things rolling and luckily our nurse was great and agreed, too. She quickly got the orders from the doctor - The pitocin started at 2am and every 20 minutes, the dose was increased.
By 4:30am, I was definitely starting to feel the pain - Kenny had gone home a little before 2am to get some rest, but now I just wanted him to come back.. I really need him there with me, for me. I had Kate there and her mom was now back in the room, as well as the nurse, but I just needed my husband. He finally got back around 6am, and I never been so happy to see him. I felt like I was able to focus more with him there.. noone knows me better than he does - we've been together since we were 15, he is my rock! Plus, I think I needed him by my side because I know I can be crappy and mean-ish to him.. I didn't want to take my pain anger out on Kate or the nurse!!!
Now the pain is really starting to increase and I am 8cms and feeling like I will never ever get to 10! The Nubain that I received around 4:30am was wearing off. Thankfully, the nurse was fantastic and had me breathing and focusing through the contractions - breathe in through my nose, blow out through my mouth, nice and slow - I am sure I was no longer smiling and joking like I was before, but I was atleast trying to be well-behaved. My record for a swear-free labor and delivery is still intact by the way! The worst word I ever said while in labor was with my first child when I said "SHOOT!" :) I am such a good girl! (my husband would disagree since I have a trucker's mouth at home.. opps! But in front of others, I am a true angel.. haha!)
I don't remember what time I FINALLYYYY got the urge to push, and I am not sure how many pushes I actually did.. I feel like it was 4 sets of 3, but I could be wrong since later in the day, when my sister came to visit and asked how many pushes, Kate responded with "A LOT!!" I think I totally scared her during labor and she may be a tad happy she doesn't ever have to go through that pain!.... Anyhow, all I know is, when I got the urge, I pushed with all my might, I just wanted this little girl to be born, to enter the world, to be with her ever-so-deserving mommy! BUT, the doctor didn't have the same urgency as I did... he took his time to get his protective equipment on and get into position.. The worst part of pushing a child out of you is being in the middle of doing it and being told "don't push".. reallly?! I have a child's head almost sticking out of my vagina, and you want me to just lay here and do nothing.. to NOT PUSH?! YAAAAA OKAY!!! I was about to tell Kenny or Kate to get ready to catch the baby!! Thank goodness the doctor hurried up a tad and was finally ready to give this little girl a birthday... and JUST IN TIME!
Right then, the most amazing girl in the world took her first breath. Amara Lee was born at 8:28am on Saturday, January 14, 2012. The doctor put her tiny body (6lbs11.4oz, 19" long) on my abdomen as her mommy cut her cord - pretty awesome since most mommies are not able to cut the cord of their own child! Amara cried for the first time...
Once Amara was no longer connected to me, after she no longer depended on me for survival, her and her mommy sat down for skin-to-skin contact, both of them crying almost louder than the other.. Amara was on Kate's chest and I am sure Amara was able to hear her mommy's heart.. a new heartbeat to listen too, a new body to cuddle up with , a new person to depend on and to love. There were so many emotions in the room at that moment.. I was crying, Kenny was crying, Kate's mother was crying, shoot, maybe even the nurse was crying.. I cannot even begin to describe all the emotions we all felt.. Kate wanted this moment forever.. a moment she dreamed about but at times thought would never happen.. and I am sure she never pictured this moment without her husband physically present... but as much as I know he was't there physically, he was definitely in that room spiritually! Amara Lee has the greatest guardian angel watching over here.. he was there in that room that day, and he will be there beside her every day of her precious life. Happy Birthday, Amara Lee - you just made your daddy the happiest angel in heaven!
Five days ago, on Friday, January 13th, I was exactly 39 weeks and I was walking around shopping with my husband, Kenny, and two youngest kids, Alianna and Dominic.. all three of them just NEEDED new sneakers. As I was walking around, I noticed I was getting a little slower at times since I was having a few contractions, but I didn't think much about it, considering they did not hurt, just felt uncomfortable, plus, this was the norm for me, whenever I walked around more than walking from my couch to the fridge or the bathroom, I would start having some braxton hicks - no biggie right?! I just went to the doctor the day before and he said I was only a fingertip dilated and they'd schedule an induction at my 40 week appointment.
After leaving the mall at 7:30pm, I asked the hubby to stop at Old Navy so I could return something before heading home, as we pulled into the parking lot, I felt something wet in my pants but figured it was more of the mucus plug since I passed some the night prior so I tried to ignore it as I hurried in Old Navy and while I stood in line, I felt a bit more come out and I was so confused.. am I peeing my pants, am I bleeding, or could this be HER?! But, I've been pregnant 3 times prior and 2 of the times, my water broke and it gushed.. there was no gush this time.. just every few minutes, I was feeling wetness so I really started to get nervous and wondered if something was wrong. So nervous that once back in the car, I tried to pull down my pants a bit and asked my husband to look and see what it was.. he verified that it definitely wasn't blood and most likely not urine.. "OMGosh, She is coming!", I thought!
Then a thousand things went through my head.. do I call Kate now and tell her.. do I go to the hospital now.. I haven't even packed my bag yet (everything was in piles, but not in a suitcase), I didn't wrap the gifts I got for Kate and Amara yet, what do I do with my kids, Am I ready for this.. Is Kate ready for this?!...
Thank goodness Kenny was there and he calmed me down.. He took over my brain and did all the thinking for me.. he told me step one was to let Kate know what was going on, or atleast what I thought was going on. Then we dropped the kids off to my sister and went home. I took a quick shower while Kenny packed my bag and got me ready. I was still leaking, but very tiny amounts, but I was now 90% sure it was my water, it was a nice clear-pinkish color - definitely not urine :) I called my doctor's office and spoke with the on-call doctor and she wanted me to go to the hospital to be checked.
OFF TO THE HOSPITAL
Kenny and I arrived at the hospital shortly after 9:30pm. I was full of smiles and probably the happiest girl in the maternity unit at the time! It didn't take long for them to confirm that it was my water and although I was only 1-2cms, they admitted me, Labor & Delivery Room 2 was my new home. They started my IV and an antibiotic. Kate and both her parents arrived shortly after midnight and there we all sat.. nothing was happening.. I was only 2cms and the nurse was saying they may not start pitocin until the morning!!! I was not having contractions on my own, so it was pretty boring.. The nurse set up a room for Kate and her parents, Room 8, and both her parents went to take a nap since it was pretty late in the night and no one knew when the baby would actually come!
HOSPITAL
Maybe taking a nap would have been the thing to do.. maybe we should have all just waited, but I was a tad anxious - I really wanted to meet this little girl and so did KATE! Thankfully Kate and I talked about it quickly while the nurse was out of the room and we both thought it was better to start pitocin sooner and get things rolling and luckily our nurse was great and agreed, too. She quickly got the orders from the doctor - The pitocin started at 2am and every 20 minutes, the dose was increased.
By 4:30am, I was definitely starting to feel the pain - Kenny had gone home a little before 2am to get some rest, but now I just wanted him to come back.. I really need him there with me, for me. I had Kate there and her mom was now back in the room, as well as the nurse, but I just needed my husband. He finally got back around 6am, and I never been so happy to see him. I felt like I was able to focus more with him there.. noone knows me better than he does - we've been together since we were 15, he is my rock! Plus, I think I needed him by my side because I know I can be crappy and mean-ish to him.. I didn't want to take my pain anger out on Kate or the nurse!!!
Now the pain is really starting to increase and I am 8cms and feeling like I will never ever get to 10! The Nubain that I received around 4:30am was wearing off. Thankfully, the nurse was fantastic and had me breathing and focusing through the contractions - breathe in through my nose, blow out through my mouth, nice and slow - I am sure I was no longer smiling and joking like I was before, but I was atleast trying to be well-behaved. My record for a swear-free labor and delivery is still intact by the way! The worst word I ever said while in labor was with my first child when I said "SHOOT!" :) I am such a good girl! (my husband would disagree since I have a trucker's mouth at home.. opps! But in front of others, I am a true angel.. haha!)
I don't remember what time I FINALLYYYY got the urge to push, and I am not sure how many pushes I actually did.. I feel like it was 4 sets of 3, but I could be wrong since later in the day, when my sister came to visit and asked how many pushes, Kate responded with "A LOT!!" I think I totally scared her during labor and she may be a tad happy she doesn't ever have to go through that pain!.... Anyhow, all I know is, when I got the urge, I pushed with all my might, I just wanted this little girl to be born, to enter the world, to be with her ever-so-deserving mommy! BUT, the doctor didn't have the same urgency as I did... he took his time to get his protective equipment on and get into position.. The worst part of pushing a child out of you is being in the middle of doing it and being told "don't push".. reallly?! I have a child's head almost sticking out of my vagina, and you want me to just lay here and do nothing.. to NOT PUSH?! YAAAAA OKAY!!! I was about to tell Kenny or Kate to get ready to catch the baby!! Thank goodness the doctor hurried up a tad and was finally ready to give this little girl a birthday... and JUST IN TIME!
Right then, the most amazing girl in the world took her first breath. Amara Lee was born at 8:28am on Saturday, January 14, 2012. The doctor put her tiny body (6lbs11.4oz, 19" long) on my abdomen as her mommy cut her cord - pretty awesome since most mommies are not able to cut the cord of their own child! Amara cried for the first time...
Once Amara was no longer connected to me, after she no longer depended on me for survival, her and her mommy sat down for skin-to-skin contact, both of them crying almost louder than the other.. Amara was on Kate's chest and I am sure Amara was able to hear her mommy's heart.. a new heartbeat to listen too, a new body to cuddle up with , a new person to depend on and to love. There were so many emotions in the room at that moment.. I was crying, Kenny was crying, Kate's mother was crying, shoot, maybe even the nurse was crying.. I cannot even begin to describe all the emotions we all felt.. Kate wanted this moment forever.. a moment she dreamed about but at times thought would never happen.. and I am sure she never pictured this moment without her husband physically present... but as much as I know he was't there physically, he was definitely in that room spiritually! Amara Lee has the greatest guardian angel watching over here.. he was there in that room that day, and he will be there beside her every day of her precious life. Happy Birthday, Amara Lee - you just made your daddy the happiest angel in heaven!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Miracles Do Happen
Four days ago, on Friday, January 13th, I was exactly 39 weeks. I had a nice relaxing day, and then spent the evening shopping with my husband and two youngest kids. I spent the night and early morning of Saturday, January 14th in labor surrounded by my husband, Kate and Kate's mother and father. At 8:28am, Amara Lee took her first breathe.
Four days ago, I believed in miracles.... but three days ago, I gave birth to one!
*more detailed birth story to follow...
Four days ago, I believed in miracles.... but three days ago, I gave birth to one!
*more detailed birth story to follow...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
You Got Mail!
I woke up this morning at 6:30am, looked at my phone and had an email from someone I never met, never talked to, never heard of before.. but it quickly became one of my all-time favorite emails!
Here's the email: (with names removed)
" Hi, how are you? My name is "R". I started reading your blog this morning and I just finished it now lol at almost 2 am (I'm waiting for the meteor shower). Your journey has really filled me with a lot of emotions! I am so sorry for all you have gone through these past few months. I was interested in your blog because I use to look into surrogacy alot. We seem to have a lot in common. I also had my daughter young, her name is "L" she'll be four in february. I just went through a similar journey as you as well, except not exactly. I gave birth to a baby boy last april. His name is "B". He was my own but I gave him to a loving family who could care for him and couldn't have children of their own. I miss him every single day. Your story I guess inspired me. You seem like such a strong woman! Idk how you've stayed so strong. You always seem so positive and you pick yourself up quick when you're down. I wish I could do that. I'm 22 and life seems extremely difficult right now and I think, just reading your story has proved to me that one day I too can be where I want to be and accomplish the goals I desire. Thank you for blogging. I'm also extremely happy to hear you have such a great relationship with the IM. You are welcome to mesage me back, I look forward to talking to you. Ps. You don't suck at blogging :p have a great morning or night, whenever you get this. "
WOW is all I can say! I didn't think my story touched others like this!! What a great feeling this gave me!
I also had the pleasure to message back and forth with another woman yesterday who is very interested in becoming a first-time surrogate! I love it! She had such great questions to ask and it felt great to be able to provide so many answers and suggestions to her. I may never physically help another family with making their dreams come true, but I feel honored to be helping in the background and providing guidance to those who request it :)
I would LOVE to hear more feedback from anyone and everyone! Or any ANY questions people may have. Please feel free to leave a comment or send me a private email to surrogateinri@gmail.com
Here's the email: (with names removed)
" Hi, how are you? My name is "R". I started reading your blog this morning and I just finished it now lol at almost 2 am (I'm waiting for the meteor shower). Your journey has really filled me with a lot of emotions! I am so sorry for all you have gone through these past few months. I was interested in your blog because I use to look into surrogacy alot. We seem to have a lot in common. I also had my daughter young, her name is "L" she'll be four in february. I just went through a similar journey as you as well, except not exactly. I gave birth to a baby boy last april. His name is "B". He was my own but I gave him to a loving family who could care for him and couldn't have children of their own. I miss him every single day. Your story I guess inspired me. You seem like such a strong woman! Idk how you've stayed so strong. You always seem so positive and you pick yourself up quick when you're down. I wish I could do that. I'm 22 and life seems extremely difficult right now and I think, just reading your story has proved to me that one day I too can be where I want to be and accomplish the goals I desire. Thank you for blogging. I'm also extremely happy to hear you have such a great relationship with the IM. You are welcome to mesage me back, I look forward to talking to you. Ps. You don't suck at blogging :p have a great morning or night, whenever you get this. "
WOW is all I can say! I didn't think my story touched others like this!! What a great feeling this gave me!
I also had the pleasure to message back and forth with another woman yesterday who is very interested in becoming a first-time surrogate! I love it! She had such great questions to ask and it felt great to be able to provide so many answers and suggestions to her. I may never physically help another family with making their dreams come true, but I feel honored to be helping in the background and providing guidance to those who request it :)
I would LOVE to hear more feedback from anyone and everyone! Or any ANY questions people may have. Please feel free to leave a comment or send me a private email to surrogateinri@gmail.com
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Three Letters...
I haven't posted in a month, but not too much has changed - I am still pregnant, 37w4d today! Everything is going well with the pregnancy.. my doctor always says Amara is a very happy baby - of course she is! I don't think there's been another baby with more people loving her, and she isn't even born yet!!
Yesterday, Kenny, Kate and I went to tour the hospital and get some of our questions answered.. and then we had lunch - it was a beautiful day. It was a little hard for Kenny and I, since it has never been just the three of us, it's been just me and Kate before, but usually it was the four of us.. the two guys would always hang out and talk and me and Kate would talk.. It really made us miss Nain.. :(
But, as always, it was nice to see Kate, to hear her voice, to hug her, to see her smile! It was18 months ago when we first sat across from each other at a small Dunkin Donuts in Woonsocket and talked for the first time.. we knew what we wanted to do, we dreamed of how it would happen, but I don't think we ever imagined how great this would feel right now, 17 days until our due date, even if some things are not as perfect as we had dreamed about, it still is such an amazing feeling. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! And Amara is proof! I am SO ecstatic that the next time I see Kate, she'll be becoming a mommy!!!
As great as the hospital visit and lunch was, nothing could top what came next.... Kate told me this little girl's full name name..
She will be...
"Lee" to honor me! I cannot even begin to explain the feeling this gives me - it's like a smile that I cannot wipe off, but instead of on my face (although it is there, too), it's on my heart! It doesn't get better than this feeling.. three small letters but they will ALWAYS mean SO much to me. I have been connect to her for the past 37 weeks, but now i'll be connected to her forever <3 Could life possibly get any better? I don't think so!
Yesterday, Kenny, Kate and I went to tour the hospital and get some of our questions answered.. and then we had lunch - it was a beautiful day. It was a little hard for Kenny and I, since it has never been just the three of us, it's been just me and Kate before, but usually it was the four of us.. the two guys would always hang out and talk and me and Kate would talk.. It really made us miss Nain.. :(
But, as always, it was nice to see Kate, to hear her voice, to hug her, to see her smile! It was18 months ago when we first sat across from each other at a small Dunkin Donuts in Woonsocket and talked for the first time.. we knew what we wanted to do, we dreamed of how it would happen, but I don't think we ever imagined how great this would feel right now, 17 days until our due date, even if some things are not as perfect as we had dreamed about, it still is such an amazing feeling. MIRACLES DO HAPPEN! And Amara is proof! I am SO ecstatic that the next time I see Kate, she'll be becoming a mommy!!!
As great as the hospital visit and lunch was, nothing could top what came next.... Kate told me this little girl's full name name..
She will be...
Amara Lee
it's been a while..
I've been having people ask me to post an update for a while now, but I been avoiding coming to this page, my own page.. I knew what I would see as soon as I typed in the address.. I knew what would happen.. and I was right.. my last post, from November 30th, is still very emotional for me.. I didn't even read it - my eyes simply skimmed over the title, and then came the tears...
I miss him, I truly do! People claim time heals all wounds, but I never believed that - you just learn to cope a little better, how to hide it a little easier, how to smile when you really want to cry.
I just have to keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason"....
Now that I had a good cry, I will attempt to give a decent update in another post
I miss him, I truly do! People claim time heals all wounds, but I never believed that - you just learn to cope a little better, how to hide it a little easier, how to smile when you really want to cry.
I just have to keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason"....
Now that I had a good cry, I will attempt to give a decent update in another post
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