Purple Wings

Nain passed away very peacefully early this morning with Kate by his side, exactly 5 months after being diagnosed with one of the most deadliest cancers.   Although I am saddened to see him go, I am grateful to know that he is no longer in pain, and that Kate is no longer suffering watching him hurt. 

Kate is doing as well as expected during a time like this.  She realized it was his time to go, and she gave him permission, which I am sure meant a lot to him. 

Amara has been very lucky and loved since even before Day 1, but she is even luckier now that she has such an amazing guardian angel watching over her and her mother.

Rest in forever eternal peace Amara's Daddy 11/12/69 - 11/30/11

....

I woke up today with a text from Kate... Although Kate and Nain were hoping he could stay at home as long as possible, and peacefully go in his sleep, it was getting to be too much on Kate - He needs constant care.. he started vomiting blood and is more confused and agitated than before.. he was transported to a hospice home this morning where he can get the 24/7 care he requires.

Tomorrow will be exactly 5 months from when he was diagnosed.. Five months ago today, everything was PERFECT - so strange how your life can turn upside down so easily, so unexpectedly.. you just never know what tomorrow will bring... 

Please keep them in your thoughts and give Kate the stregth she needs to keep doing what she is doing.

Baby Kicks

Today was definitely an emotional day...

I went to Kate and Nain's house for a visit - Kate and I planned to go through all the items that she received from the baby shower and put them away in the nursery.. We didn't get much accomplished though.. a couple picture frames got put on the dresser, and we hung up several (empty) clothes hangers - oh and put all the stuffed animals in a basket.  Kate and I did attempt to put the co-sleeper together, but failed miserably.. thank goodness Amara has an awesome (and strong) grandfather that was able to get it together!!  But mostly we just talked, and cried, and talked some more.. and cried even more...


She is so strong.. I am not sure how she does it, but she does.. I'm sure she feels weak, but she is far from it.. she loves her husband so much.. and as much as it is hard for me to see him going through this, it is just as hard, if not harder, for me to see her have to see him going through this... I wish I could take all their pain and hurt away and just give them their baby, like how we had thought it was going to be.  But nothing goes as planned I guess :(
I got to spend a little bit of time with Nain - he was in a lot of pain and was very tired so I didn't want to bother him too much, but I did sit  next to him, and he was able to put his hand on my belly for the first time and Amara gave hims LOTS of good kicks - strange too, because she is NEVER awake during that time of day.. for the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really gotten accustomed to her sleep cycle and I never noticed her awake around this time, but today, she's been up ALL day - maybe she'll let me sleep tonight!

Nain's voice is very quite, or maybe it is hard for him to speak, I am not sure.. but I did hear him tell his little girl he loved her, in spanish.. so beautiful but emotional, but I tried very hard to not cry, I did not want Nain to know I was sad.. as sad I am, I am also happy I was able to be there, and that he was able to have that moment with Amara.

After seeing him today, and  hearing all Kate had to say.. I am no longer hoping for 8 more weeks.. it would be BEYOND selfish of me to expect him to suffer like that for 59 more days.. as much as I WANT and WISH it was possible, I am content with knowing it is not - He LOVES his daughter, and there will not be a day in her life that someone will not remind Amara how much he loved and wanted her!

PurpleLight 2011

Sunday night was PurpleLight National Vigil for Hope!  Many states and communities held their own vigils to honor those who are fighting, and pay tribute to those who have passed away from Pancreatic Cancer.  My friend, Shannon, and I attended the Rhode Island one, at the State House and it was an amazing turn out!

It was great to see the state house lit up purple, even if just for one evening!  And to hear some of the stories, especially from one of the SEVEN survivors that was in attendance!  Seeing and hearing from survivors provides so much hope!

Members from the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Rhode Island Affiliate read aloud the names of many people who have heard the dreadful "you have pancreatic cancer", including my Nain's name!  Although Kate and  Nain were not there by my side, I know they were there in spirit and I am happy I was able to physically be there for them!

Rhode Island may be the smallest state in the country, but we're pretty darn amazing!
Senator Sheldon Whitehouse is a great supporter of Pancreatic Cancer Awareness since his mother lost her life to the horrible disease.
Senator Edward O'Neill was in there tonight and spoke about how pancreatic has touched the life of someone he loves deeply.
J.R. from Providence Mayor Angel Tavaras' Office also spoke about this disease and read aloud Providence's Proclamation signed by Mayor Tavaras!
And, my favorite, Congressman David Cicillini spoke, too!

I am truly PROUD to be a Rhode Islander - We definitely are doing big things for being such a little state!  Woohoo to RI!  Let's kick Pancreatic Cancer's butt, RI!!!

Life isn't always sugar plums and gum drops

Nain went to the doctor yesterday and his liver functions declined a lot.. Chemo is no longer an option for him.. it would be too dangerous and do more harm than good.   I am sure he feels like stopping treatment is like giving up, and letting cancer win, but he did everything he could, he had the greatest doctors, the most supportive wife, family and friends and always the most positive attitude but this cancer is just TOO strong and 100% deadly! 

There may be no more treatment options for him, but i know he still has fight left.. he has to, right?  Amara is counting on him!   But when I say or think that, I feel bad.. I have seen people suffering from cancer.. I have seen people at the end of their life, I held my greatgrandmother's hand while she took her last breathe.. they hurt, they really hurt.. u can see it in their eyes, you can just feel it in the room... I feel selfish for wanting him to keep fighting and try to wait to see his little girl.

It's always like this though, right?  When something is going bad, we always try to bargain with God or with another person.. All we ever want is one more day, one more smile, one more hug, one more "i love you".. Are we wrong for wanting this? 

There are the people who hold off, and wait for a family member to be by their side, or they way for a special occasion, they wait until their loved ones feel ready, or as ready as they will ever feel, they wait for someone to tell them "it's okay".. do the sick do this for us?  do they do it for themself? 

I guess these are the questions that are rolling around my head right now, and I'll probably never know the answers to them.. so instead, i'll just keep trying to make a deal with God and hope for another 65 days..

Happy Birthday!

Happy 42nd Birthday to an AMAZING man - who is always smiling, even when there's not much to smile about.... who always thinks positive, even after hearing the most negative diagnosis... who puts others before himself, all the time... and who I am extremely fortunate to know because I am a better person because of him... but most importantly, who will be the most amazing daddy to the most precious baby girl!! Happy Birthday, Nain! We Love You! ♥

Time will tell

Recently I have been getting asked if my doctor and/or if Kate and Nain have discussed doing a possible early induction if Nain's health continues to decline - I was actually asked this exact question 4 times just yesterday. 

I honestly have not really thought about it, my OB has never brought up the topic and my Kate has never spoken about it.  But I can attempt to tell you how I "think" we all feel..

I would do it in a heartbeat - I want nothing more than to be able to witness Nain hold his daughter, to smell her, to hug her, to kiss her, to simply be her daddy.  I do not know what the next 10 weeks will bring.  Am I still hoping for a miracle?  HELL YES!  Do I want to think about him declining even more than he already is?  HELL NO!  But it is also a reality that we must face, so as I let the sadness of the reality sit in the back of my head, I continue to think positive and have faith - maybe that is why I haven't discussed this question with my OB or Kate... maybe I just hope it's not something we'll have to worry about...

My OB is wonderful!  She knows what is going on and she is very empathetic towards the whole situation, she is always telling me how she thinks of us even on her days off, and prayers for us at church - sometimes I think I ever see a tear in her eye - I believe that if we reached 37 weeks and Amara was healthy and looking good, I do think that she would consider an induction.

BUT with that said,

I don't think Kate or Nain would want that.. as much as I am sure they both feel like I do, all they want is to be a family -TOGETHER- I feel that considering all they have been through, all the ups and downs, the dreams come true moments and the nightmares.. I feel all they really want is the most healthy baby possible.  Again this is only my opinion, but I think they would want labor to start naturally and to not force what was not meant to be... just leave it up to the man above.

Then again, I could be totally wrong... only time will tell....

Exactly like this

Out of all the "must have been fate" and "happened for a reason" moments that have occurred during the past 16 months of this surrogacy such as; being delayed at first, working on the first try, singleton vs twins, Kate and Nain enjoying an adventure-filled vacation just weeks prior to Nain being diagnosed, etc.... the one that touches me the most, which Kate just remembered and told me about the other day, is that our due date, January 20, 2012, will mark the 8 year anniversary of her hysterectomy. Even with all the craziness and heartache, this journey could not be any more perfect - for some reason, and only He knows for sure, it was just meant to be, every detail, exactly like this... and knowing that provides us with the comfort that we all need ♥

Baby Check

Seen the OB for a checkup today.. I passed the sugar test (woohoo), I did not gain any weight in the last 4 weeks but they said that is ok and not to worry since my overall weight is good. But since my last three appts, I only went up 4 lbs and I sure feel like I gained more than 4lbs in the last 12 weeks.. I feel like I gained atleast 10 just in my BOOBS!  But I bet it will all catch up with me and I'll start gaining like crazy now..

Amara's heartbeat sounds great, and my uterus is measuring well.  The doctor did a pelvic exam and was able to tell that Amara is not in a set position, she is still just floating around, having a good ol' time which is fine, my cervix is nice and closed but very sensitive so she said I need to take a little bit of an easy and tell the hubby no "fun" until I am atleast 36 weeks..considering I will only be 29 weeks tomorrow, we'll have lots of Rummy and Uno-filled nights from now on  :)

I am now scheduled to go and see the OB every 2 weeks, until I get to the 36 week mark, then I'll be going weekly.. I might just move in! The next appt is November 18th which will be an ultrasound, too!  Yay, love u/s appts BUTTTT what I love even more is the fact that Kate texted me today and said we're going for a 3d/4d ultrasound on Saturday!  I never had one with my kids, so I am beyond excited to have this done and see if Amara looks like her mommy or daddy!  Ahhh!  I cannot wait!!

So, Amara has definitely been getting MUCH stronger lately, especially right now as I write about her, I swear she is trying to climb out of me so she can write her own story or something! haha.. oh, and she gets the hiccups often too.. I know I been pregnant three times before, but somehow I forgot about all the little things of pregnancy.. I love every moment of this.. even when she moves like crazy when I am trying to go to sleep - which is why I am up blogging and not sleeping right now!  But every movement I feel, means she is still there, she is still growing into the miracle princess she is.. so for every moment, I am thankful.

People, We have a PBO!!

What is a PBO?  It is short for Pre-Birth Order, which is issued by a judge during a surrogacy arrangement (usually around 20-30 weeks pregnant) to allow the Intended Parents' (Kate and Nain) names to go on the birth certificate at birth instead of the Surrogate's so an adoption is not necessary. This is done in advance so that the hospital and insurance companies can be aware who has legal rights of the child/ren and it allows the intended parents to be the sole decision makers from the moment of birth.

Obvisiouly I know the Amara is theirs, they know Amara is theirs, the doctors who did the transfer know as well, but the hospital and department of vital records do not.. so our lawyers had to get together and prove to the judge that the baby I am carrying is in fact their baby and provide evidence to support the claim, about 25 pages of information detailing almost every highlight of our journey and specific information outlining what procedures had been done to conceive the child.  Had the PBO been denied, we would have had to wait until after the birth to have a paternity test done, then an adoption and finally have the birth certificate reissued.. that would have been a hassle, time consuming and not fair to Kate and Nain. 

So that is why I am so excited that everything is working out so beautifully and the judge sided with us and approved the PBO.. Our doctors and lawyers ROCK and were able to prove that Kate and Nain are the biological parents of Amara even though she is coming out of my vagina and not Kate's ;)  Yay!

80 Days

Oh my gosh - I cannot believe that the due date is in just EIGHTY days!  Where did the past 200 days go? 

Someone asked me yesterday a question, which seems to be the 2nd most common question I am asked about this journey, behind "You get paid for that, right?!" which I absolutelyyyyyyyyyy dislike and if you ask me, I'll glady tell you the reasons why I hate that question.. but anyhow, the 2nd most asked question is how I'll be able to give the baby away.. First, it's not "giving away" the baby.. it is "giving back" the baby.. I am, as they call me, their kangaroo mama.. nothing more, nothing less. She is growing inside me, until she can grow inside their arms.  Yes, I love her, I love her very much, but it's not the same love that I felt while carrying my own babies.. I don't know how my heart and mind work exactly, but the love I feel for her is unexplainable.. it is the greatest of this type of indescribable love, but not the love that a mother has for her own child, more like a proud love, a way that I would look at any precious miracle baby. 

So in 80 days, or less, or more - but God I hope not much more, I will be witnessing an amazing woman and man hold their baby for the first time, I may cry, but every tear will be the happiest of tears.  I have been dreaming about this moment for almost a year and a half - and I cannot believe it will be here in less than 3 months.  Pretty darn amazing!

I would love to answer ANY questions people may have.. they will be kept anonymous if you wish, but it will be great to answer more questions and give me motivation to update this blog more often :)  Send to SurrogateInRI@gmail.com